Dealing with Deep Grief

December can be an especially difficult time for those experiencing grief. Being surrounded by Christmas cheer, gatherings, and high expectations can feel overwhelming. If you are navigating bereavement, be gentle with yourself and ask for what you need — supporters often want to help but don’t always know how. Allow extra time for tasks, maintain sleep and self-care routines, and prioritize what truly needs your energy to ease the pressure of a long “to-do” list.

Once the Christmas season has passed, January arrives — often the longest and coldest month — and can be especially challenging for those who are grieving.

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in Ontario refers to the third Monday in January as “Blue Monday.” In its article, “Blue Monday Survival Guide,” CAMH notes that feelings of sadness and loneliness often ring true at this time. Nights are long and cold, holiday bills are arriving, and the warm, fuzzy memories of the season have faded. New Year’s resolutions, once made with earnest determination, may already feel broken.

In On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, describes five stages of grief: shock, denial, and isolation; anger; bargaining; deep sadness and depression; and finally acceptance and integration of the loss. These stages are not linear and may overlap or repeat.

Grief is often generalized to the death of an older grandparent, losses that are common and expected. Phrases such as “They lived a good life” or “It was their time” are often offered in these situations. However, there are many other forms of grief that are more complex and less visible.

Anticipatory grief occurs when someone knows that they or a loved one is facing a life-limiting illness.

Disenfranchised grief refers to losses that are often unacknowledged by society, such as vehicle or workplace accidents, missing children or adults, victims of abuse, serious health diagnoses, job loss, divorce, miscarriage, infertility, homesickness, or the death of a pet. People experiencing these losses may suffer in silence, as others may not know what to say and unintentionally withdraw. Recent tragic events in our community have left many people in shock, pain, and anxiety.

The loss of a child is an unnatural and devastating experience. The Compassionate Friends of Canada was created to support parents and families as they heal together over time.

Deaths by suicide are among the most complex and painful losses. Family members and friends are often left carrying profound guilt, shame, and anxiety — caught in questions such as, “What if I had tried harder?” or “If only they had reached out.”

Support can take many forms. Offering validation, empathy, and acceptance matters deeply. Practical help, like assisting with chores, childcare, meals, or errands, can ease daily burdens. Being present, listening without judgment, and allowing space for stories and emotions are powerful acts of care.

Helpful phrases include:

• “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

• “I can see how hard this is for you.”

• “How can I support you right now?”

Phrases to avoid include:

• “I know how you feel.”

• “You’ll get over this.”

• “Be strong for the family.”

• “It was for the best.”

Grief responses vary widely. Some people experience disbelief, anger, sorrow, numbness, withdrawal, or loneliness. Not everyone cries or takes time away from work or school. Children, in particular, often show natural resilience and may move in and out of grief differently than adults.

Reaching out to friends, family, and co-workers can help lessen isolation.

Lotsa Helping Hands (lotsahelpinghands.com) is a valuable resource that allows communities to coordinate support through an easy-to-use calendar for meals, errands, childcare, or simple messages of care.

Therapy can also be an important source of support for those experiencing grief. Reach out for professional help if needed.

Written by Betty Stone, MSW RSW

Stonehurst Counselling

Call to book 403 627 9142